It's time for our annual Two-Weeks-Before-Christmas checklist of what you haven't done yet but would have and should have by now; or would have done had you not done something else; or what you would not do even if you could have; or what you wanted to do but could not unless you would have; or what you did do and will likely regret having done come December 26.
I think that covers just about everybody. If it doesn't cover you, you're on your own.
You should have by now wrapped all the presents and piled them with elf-like decorative skills under the gaily ornamented Christmas tree. You would have if by now you had bought more than one of the 2,921 presents you need to get.
You would have attended the club's big reservations-only Christmas bash – thus improving your chances for the club presidency in January -- had you not canceled because on the same night you and your camcorder were requested at your first-grade nephew's school holiday recital which was then postponed due to inclement weather and rescheduled for the same night you're supposed to be singing in the church choir Christmas cantata you've been practicing since Labor Day. And you're the only soprano.
You – if by chance you shopped already -- would have bought a really nice extra present in case somebody unexpected shows up at your house Christmas Eve. You would have, that is, had you not collected all those promotional key rings from your insurance agent, the calendars from your bank and the stainless steel mugs from your plumber and packed them in a box wrapped in white tissue as an extra generic gift "good enough for anybody." You would not have done that if you knew then that the unexpected somebody would be your beloved rich aunt you haven't seen in 12 years; the one who helped raise you, paid your way through college, gave you the down payment for your house and made you the generous and thoughtful person you are today.
You could have rung the bell for an hour at the Salvation Army kettle had you remembered you were supposed to be there at 11 am, not 11 pm – yes, it only seems like those bells are ringing 24 hours a day. You would have been there on time if the Fischer-Price people didn't make PDAs.
Your wife would not have to complain about you illuminating the entire tri-state region by displaying 123,000 outside Christmas lights if only the guy across the street had stopped at 122,999, the show-off. You should not have told her to "get a pair of sunglasses if you want to go out at night."
You should not have sneaked to the Christmas tree at 2 am and unwrapped one of your presents only to discover he got the color that makes you look 10 pounds heavier – now you're going to have visions of sugar-free plums dancing in your head from now until the insufferable return line.
You should have sneaked to the Christmas tree at 1:45 am and switched the color that makes her look 10 pounds heavier with one that makes her look 15 years younger – now you're going to have something dancin' on your head and it ain't gonna be sugarplums, chucklehead.
You could have volunteered for the Jaycee Christmas tree stand had you not volunteered for the annual downtown hot chocolate and Christmas tree lighting festival that you were no longer volunteered for after he volunteered you for dressing up like an elf and riding with Santa in the widely popular Christmas parade.
You could have enjoyed the parade from the sidelines had she not volunteered you for Santa – "Don't worry, honey. Playing Santa makes you look so much thinner."
You should not have let your 13-year-old open the Metallica collection until he was 18 and had moved out of the house. You would not have done that had you not yourself started the open-one-present-early tradition when you just couldn't wait for that Boot Scootin' Boogie CD back in '95.
You could have had all your Christmas chores done by now had you not stopped to read this column. You should forget I said that.
By the way, I'll be over Christmas morning and I have plenty key rings, calendars and mugs, thank you.
Want to contact Jim? Do it at hillofbeans@sbcglobal.net
© 2008 Jim Whitaker
